Written by: Muskaan Grover, Dr Moitrayee Das
Have you ever reached a long-awaited milestone, such as acing an exam, landing that dream job, or getting a promotion, and still felt… empty? I’ve been there. There have been moments in my life where I achieved exactly what I set out to, yet the sense of fulfillment I expected just didn’t show up. Instead, I felt hollow, even confused. Wasn’t this supposed to make me happy?
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In those moments, it’s easy to start questioning yourself. Am I being ungrateful? Shouldn’t I feel more proud or excited? But perhaps the more important question is this: Is conventional success truly the key to fulfillment?
In most modern societies, success is still widely equated with tangible achievements such as wealth, status, accolades, and productivity. Our extrinsic goals are targets rooted in external validation rather than internal meaning (Kasser & Ryan, 1996).
This model of success isn’t inherently flawed. Financial security and recognition can matter. But when pursued without alignment with intrinsic values, they often lead to psychological distress. A longitudinal study of American college students found that prioritizing extrinsic goals was associated with greater anxiety and lower well-being (Kasser & Ryan, 1993). Moreover, in workplaces, people often chase promotions not because they align with their values, but because they’re symbols of progress, reflecting their success. This can create a performance-obsessed identity, disconnected from authenticity and personal meaning (Twenge & Campbell, 2009).
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In our relentless pursuit of conventional success, we can fall into the trap of toxic productivity, a state where the drive to be constantly productive leads to detrimental effects on mental and physical health. This phenomenon is characterized by an obsessive need to work, often at the expense of personal well-being and rest.
Recent research underscores the profound impact of overworking on brain health. A study published in Occupational and Environmental Medicine revealed that individuals working more than 52 hours per week exhibited structural changes in brain regions associated with executive functions, such as decision-making, memory, and emotional regulation. These alterations suggest that excessive work hours may lead to neuroadaptive responses to chronic stress, potentially resulting in reduced emotional stability and cognitive performance (Lee et al., 2025).
Moreover, the pressure to succeed can lead to chronic dissatisfaction. Many individuals experience relief rather than pride upon completing achievements, particularly in professional settings, due to an ingrained fear of failure and a belief that success is merely meeting expectations. Clinical psychologists such as Dr. Chu Hui Cha and Dr. Jessica Rohlfing Pryor explain that this mindset is often rooted in a perfectionistic or critical upbringing, where success was required but rarely celebrated. This emotional pattern can lead to chronic dissatisfaction and diminished self-worth (The Guardian, 2025).
Finding a balance between our external and internal needs isn’t simple. At the heart of it lies a mismatch between what society defines as success and what our nervous system has evolved to value.
Our nervous system wasn’t built for boardroom battles or social media milestones. It evolved in environments where connection, safety, and purpose were more important than constant comparison or competition. But today, from a young age, we’re taught to race, be it for the highest grades, the most prestigious jobs, or the next promotion. It is in this race that we often become hooked on external validation. One goal leads to the next, and soon we’re chasing success for the sake of it, not because it’s aligned with who we truly are. According to Dr. Chu Hui Cha, a California-based clinical psychologist, bouncing from one achievement to another can lead us to feel that nothing feels “good enough” and, “nothing you do feels really good, and you’re always looking to aim higher, up the ante in terms of successes and achievements” (The Guardian, 2025).
Thus, in this process, losing sight of our values is easy. We might sacrifice authenticity in the name of ambition, and slowly, our achievements start to feel disconnected from our inner selves. That disconnection is what often leaves us feeling unfulfilled, even at the peak of our accomplishments.
So, what do we actually need to feel fulfilled? What helps us not just survive, but thrive?
We can start by tuning into what our nervous system is really wired for:
Connection
We are profoundly social beings. Social relationships regulate affective states and reduce stress. For instance, cortisol levels drop significantly in the presence of supportive relationships (Hostinar et al., 2014). Physical touch and emotional closeness can trigger the release of oxytocin, which promotes feelings of trust and well-being (Heinrichs et al., 2003). Additionally, social support has been shown to alleviate psychological distress and enhance life satisfaction (Dadand? & Ç?tak, 2023).
Contribution
Giving back stimulates the brain’s reward circuits. Acts of generosity, including prosocial spending, have been consistently linked to increased happiness (Aknin et al., 2020). Altruism doesn’t just feel good; it’s neurologically rewarding.
Competence
The pursuit of mastery activates dopamine pathways that drive learning and motivation (Berridge & Robinson, 1998). But competence must be meaningful. Mastery for external approval has diminishing returns, whereas mastery aligned with personal values generates flow and satisfaction (Csikszentmihalyi, 1990). Self-determination theory posits that competence is a fundamental psychological need essential for well-being (Deci & Ryan, 2000).
Autonomy
Feeling in control of our decisions enhances mental well-being. Deci and Ryan (2000) showed that autonomy-supportive environments foster intrinsic motivation, better performance, and long-term psychological health. Evolutionary studies suggest that autonomy has been crucial for human development and adaptability (Turner, 2019).
The constant battle between aspiring for targets we think we want and our nervous system signaling that something is missing can lead to misalignment in our everyday actions. This may cause a cumulative strain on our nervous system termed ‘allostatic load.’ This cumulative burden of chronic stress and life events occurs when environmental challenges exceed the individual’s ability to cope (Guidi et al., 2021).
So what can we do?
Understanding what our nervous system is truly wired to thrive on allows us to redefine success in ways that feel more aligned and sustainable. We can consciously infuse moments of fulfillment into our pursuit of achievement, whether it’s by using a bonus or promotion to contribute to a meaningful cause, or by choosing to collaborate deeply with others on a shared academic project. The way you choose to reshape success and the path you take to get there is entirely personal. But what’s essential is recognizing that lasting fulfillment doesn’t come from chasing society’s version of success. It comes from honoring what your mind and body actually need and creating your own path.
References
- Aknin, L. B., Dunn, E. W., Proulx, J., Lok, I., & Norton, M. I. (2020). Does spending money on others promote happiness? A registered replication report. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 119(2), e15–e26. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspa0000191
- Berridge, K. C., & Robinson, T. E. (1998). What is the role of dopamine in reward: Hedonic impact, reward learning, or incentive salience? Brain Research Reviews, 28(3), 309–369. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0165-0173(98)00019-8
- Csikszentmihalyi, M. (1990). Flow: The psychology of optimal experience. Harper & Row.
- Dadand?, ?., & Ç?tak, ?. (2023). Psychological distress mediates the relationship between social support and satisfaction with life: The mediating role of psychological distress. International Journal of Contemporary Educational Research, 10(3), 724–734. https://doi.org/10.52380/ijcer.2023.10.3.543
- Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The “what” and “why” of goal pursuits: Human needs and the self-determination of behavior. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227–268. https://doi.org/10.1207/S15327965PLI1104_01
- Guidi, J., Lucente, M., Sonino, N., & Fava, G. A. (2021). Allostatic load and its impact on health: A systematic review. Psychotherapy and Psychosomatics, 90(1), 11–27. https://doi.org/10.1159/000510696
- Heinrichs, M., Baumgartner, T., Kirschbaum, C., & Ehlert, U. (2003). Social support and oxytocin interact to suppress cortisol and subjective responses to psychosocial stress. Biological Psychiatry, 54(12), 1389–1398. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0006-3223(03)00465-7
- Hostinar, C. E., Sullivan, R. M., & Gunnar, M. R. (2014). Psychobiological mechanisms underlying the social buffering of the hypothalamic–pituitary–adrenocortical axis: A review of animal models and human studies across development. Psychological Bulletin, 140(1), 256–282. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0032671
- Kasser, T., & Ryan, R. M. (1993). A dark side of the American dream: Correlates of financial success as a central life aspiration. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 65(2), 410–422. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.65.2.410
- Kasser, T., & Ryan, R. M. (1996). Further examining the American dream: Differential correlates of intrinsic and extrinsic goals. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 22(3), 280–287. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167296223006
- Lee, W., et al. (2025). Working Too Much Can Change Your Brain. Time. Retrieved from https://time.com/7285894/working-too-much-brain-effects/
- Ryff, C. D. (1989). Happiness is everything, or is it? Explorations on the meaning of psychological well-being. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 57(6), 1069–1081. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.57.6.1069
- The Guardian. (2025, May 12). Do you feel proud when you succeed – or just relieved? https://www.theguardian.com/wellness/2025/may/12/do-you-feel-proud-when-you-succeed
- Turner, J. S. (2019). Evolutionary changes in the capacity for organismic autonomy. The Journal of Physiology, 597(23), 5611–5622. https://doi.org/10.1113/JP284414
- Twenge, J. M., & Campbell, W. K. (2009). The narcissism epidemic: Living in the age of entitlement. Free Press.
- Muskaan Grover is an upcoming Young India Fellow at Ashoka University, currently working as an Associate Consultant. She earned her undergraduate degree in Psychology from FLAME University, Pune. Dr. Moitrayee Das is an Assistant Professor of Psychology at FLAME University, Pune.